Parenting 301

It has become tradition that around the time of Wes’ birthday, I take a moment to reflect on five of the biggest lessons that Wes has taught us over the past year.  It’s interesting to look back at Parenting 101 and 201 and see how becoming a family of three has completely reshaped our lives.  Long gone (but not quite forgotten) are the days of spending an entire evening on the couch watching TV, leisurely strolling through a grocery store, or sleeping in without a persistent toddler wake-up call that is inevitably an hour earlier than our bodies prefer.  But frequent laughter has become a permanent fixture in our house, along with family meals, sticky kisses and sleepy bedtime stories.

Sometimes I think we might actually fool a stranger into thinking we have this parenting gig figured out.  Truth be told, most days we are relieved if we can make it to bedtime with enough energy to read the aforementioned bedtime story without “accidentally” skipping too many pages words .   We remain baffled at the complete lack of an official parenting instruction manual, and while some of the decisions we made over the past year have turned out surprisingly well, others have backfired completely.  Most of the time our strategy has simply been to cross our fingers and go with our gut instincts, blindly hoping that we are not, in fact, causing any permanent damage to our little human. 

Through our triumphs and occasional tears, we have again learned so much this past year.  Below are the five lessons we have found most significant for our family in Wes’ third year on this earth. 

1.  Be passionate about something (even if it’s weird).

When Minor Myers Jr., the late president of Illinois Wesleyan (our Alma mater) would meet someone new, the first thing he would ask was “What’s your passion?”  He was an eclectic guy, a bit of a scatterbrained genius, and was undeniably passionate about a wide variety of topics ranging from the admirable (building a university) to the somewhat bizarre (playing the harpsichord).  His enthusiasm for his passions was infectious, and you inevitably began to examine your own life and passions after hearing him speak. 

In a way, Wes reminds me a little bit of Minor Myers.  Since Wes’ discovery of water towers this past summer, he is definitely the happiest he has ever been.  Our shy little guy will enthusiastically engage complete strangers in conversations about local water towers, the state of their cleanliness, and the color of the letters that adorn most water towers identifying the town to which they belong.  He wakes up from nap excited to watch videos of water towers on YouTube (yes, they exist), and currently, water towers outnumber actual human beings on his prayer list each night.  Previously neglected toys are now being used to model water towers, and if you watch him closely enough, you will notice that he may be contentedly eating his dinner while pretending his tortilla chip is a water tower falling into a sea of salsa.  It might seem strange (and a bit obsessive) to some people, but honestly, I think most everyone (myself included) wants to have something worth getting out of bed for in the morning. 

2.  Be true to yourself.

My grandfather was an integral part of my early life.  He drove my siblings and me to school every day and would often dole out two pieces of advice.  He would tell us to “Give ‘em hell” and “Just be Kristy Miller” (or Brian, or Stephanie, depending on who was in the car).  While I’m not sure the former was the most appropriate advice for a third grader, the latter statement remains one of the most timeless pieces of advice I’ve ever been given.

Perhaps Wes has yet to be jaded by a culture that promotes conformity, but as of right now, he does a fantastic job of just being Wesley Mullins.  And we are learning that Wesley Mullins may not be just like the other kids we see.  It took me a long time to learn this lesson as Wes and I trudged through nearly a year of mom/tot gymnastics.  It started with good intentions: I wanted us to do something fun, semi-structured, and social together.  I took him to the first class and I’m certain we both had a deer-in-headlights look (I know this because the instructor announced to the whole class, while looking directly at me, “Remember moms, your kids will respond to your body language so SMILE!”).  Needless to say, Wes was not a big fan of the loud music, large group of strangers, and being told what to do.  The instructor pulled me aside after class and said that we just needed to give it time and that he would eventually be laughing and giggling just like all of the other kids.  Well we gave it time.  Lots of time.  And in the end, my kiddo just doesn’t like to pretend to walk like an elephant, slither like a snake, or hold hands and sing with a group of random people we call friends.  While the other kids were mastering somersaults down a ramp, Wes was far more curious about how the zipper on the tumbling mats worked.  And while it upset me for a long time, I’m totally okay with it now.  He’s simply being Wesley Mullins, and there’s no reason for me to ever ask him to be anyone but himself.

3.  Take risks, but know your limits.

Sometime during this past year, Wes developed a strong sense of courage (recklessness?) when it comes to physical challenges.  Most recently, he has begun jumping.  He started by jumping on his trampoline, then off of a stair (then two, then three), and has now mastered jumping from playground equipment, chairs, couches, etc.  After my heart palpitations cease, I am always a bit impressed at his willingness to try a new jumping feat and even more relieved when I see him decide that jumping from the top of a two-story slide is, in fact, not a good choice.  For three years old, he is pretty good at taking calculated risks.  As parents, Sean and I tend to play-it-(really)safe, and I think we have a lot to learn from our little jumping bean.

4.  You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

The other day, Wes was eating some yogurt and became very excited about something we were discussing (most likely water towers) and gesticulated with such enthusiasm that yogurt landed on the floor.  He saw what happened, and though it was unintentional, I still wanted him to apologize.  I knelt down in front of him and had the following conversation:

Me: “Wes, what do you need to say?”

Wes: (after a long pause) “I like your eyes.”

Me: (giggles and blushes) “Oh thank you!  What else do you need to say?”

Wes: “I like the blue part, and the black part, and the white part.”

I then proceeded to offer him an entire box of cookies and a pony.

Though he can be incredibly stubborn  (my brother calls this leadership), Wes has always had a big heart.  He is gentle in his interactions and likes to make other people happy.  Consequently, his personality has influenced our parenting style, as we really make an effort to remain calm and kind even when our frustrations make us feel otherwise.  One of the best pieces of parenting advice I’ve read came from an article on disciplining your child.  It questioned the effectiveness of making children (or anyone, for that matter) feel worse by yelling during a situation when they are already struggling with emotions two or three times their size.  It made a lot of sense to me.  If we want Wes to do what we ask, he is far more likely to respond if he feels safe and respected rather than fearful and belittled.  A little kindness never hurts.

5.  Sometimes you just need one more “I love you”.

For the past two years or so, Wes had no idea that after we said our goodnights and left his room, he could call for us and we would return.  Then something clicked.  Now we get at least three callbacks every night ranging from “I just heard a noise” to “I found this in my nose” (Gross. Just gross).  While Sean and I often roll our eyes at each other before one of us starts the ascent up to his room, deep down neither of us really minds all that much.  We know all he wants is a little bit of company for a minute before he inevitably gets one more hug, kiss, and “I love you” before we leave.  Is he playing us?  Like a fiddle.  But last I checked, no kid ever grew up to be a convict because he got one-too-many “I love yous” before bedtime.

To say parenting is hard is an understatement.  There are plenty of moments when I simply want to throw my hands in the air and quit.  To say it parenting is rewarding is also an understatement; Wes is our lifeblood and has become wholly ingrained into our existence.   Parenting has proven to be confusing, messy, unpredictable and wonderful, and we have learned to roll with the punches. While we are far from experts, we also know we have grown and gained a lot of experience over the past three years.  We will, however, keep checking the mailbox each day to see if that instruction manual has been delivered yet.